Updated: May 20, 2021
How To Improve Your Sex Life In Ways You Wouldn't Expect
Alison SegelJuly 27 2017
My single friends are constantly hooking up with guys that they meet off Tinder. But the people I know who have been dating long-term, or who have been married for a while, seem to have lost the lust component of their relationships. What's the deal? Are we all in need of ways to improve our sex lives?
Well, according to an article in The New York Times, if you're not having that much sex, you're actually not alone. It turns out that most married couples are actually in some sort of sexual slump. And even some singles may be, too. But is there a fix?
I asked Dr. Dawn Michael, clinical sexologist and author of The Ultimate Intimacy Guide for Passionate People, about ways to improve your sex life when you're in a rut.
1. Create A Romantic Environment
Is your room filled with dirty laundry? Do your pillowcases have makeup stains on them? Does your partner only shower once every two weeks? To quote the ever-so-wise Paris Hilton, that is not hot.
"People have to create desire. If you wait for desire to happen in order to have sex, many people will wait awhile," says Dr. Michael. "Creating the space and time for desire to happen is so important. Take the time to create a romantic environment with your significant other."
How can you create desire? Well, Dr. Michael suggests you "clear you bedroom of clutter, buy some candles, find some sexy music, dress in something sexy and romance each other."
No one wants to hook up in a messy space in stained pajamas. That doesn't exactly read romance novel, and I've never seen porn that starts like that. So if you're looking to create a romantic environment, clean yourself up a bit and clean your space up, too. Sex should be sexy — lean into that.
1. Stimulate The Brain
Foreplay is absolutely the most important part of hooking up. And foreplay starts in your head.
"The brain is the biggest sex organ, and it needs to be activated and stimulated with sexy thoughts about each other," Dr. Michael explains. "This can be achieved in many ways. A simple text throughout the day telling the person how sexy they are or how much you desire them can get the brain thinking about sex."
Maybe shoot your guy a sexy selfie during the day to let him know you're thinking about him if things have been a little stagnant in the bedroom lately. Some other ideas? Dr. Michael's got some:
You can buy an erotic book and read it to each other. When in the bedroom or even outside of the bedroom, tell your partner what you want to do to them. Share fantasies with each other. One of the exercises I do with couples in my office is to suggest they do fantasy work together at home, slowly opening up about a fantasy.
1. Switch Your Timing
If you're in a sexual rut, maybe you just need to switch up your schedule a little bit. Dr. Michael says to "change your sexual routine." So basically, if nighttime is usually sexy time for you, "try it in the morning." She continues, "Also, if you can get in an afternoon romp, that is always a plus — hence the song 'Afternoon Delight.'"
You and your guy could just be tired after a long day of work, which could be the reason for a diminishing sex drive. Try hooking up in the morning instead, or sneak off for a quickie during a lunch break. Switching up your sexual schedule can make things exciting and could potentially be exactly what you need to reinvigorate your sex life.
1. Take The Reigns
Dr. Michael says, "If you are not the one to initiate sex, then start. Try a new approach — one that is fun, sexy, and seductive." Your man might feel embarrassed or insecure that he is constantly asking for sex, and he could end up thinking you're disinterested.
If you feel like sex has been lacking in your relationship because your guy hasn't been engaging, try starting things off for a change. Initiate some foreplay or wear lingerie in the bedroom. It will probably put an immediate end to your sexual rut.
"If you think about eating the same meal every day, it gets boring. The same goes for sex. We all need to add a little spice into our lives, and this includes sex," explains Dr. Michael.
If you eat a hamburger every day, you're eventually gonna want a steak, even though hamburgers are delicious. (I am a vegetarian, but, whatever.)
How can you switch it up? Dr. Michael says to tease your partner a little bit: "Whatever you have been doing, add to it or change it up so that you can get out of your sexual rut by trying a new approach. I often recommend making out in unexpected places, taking time to kiss and touch with clothing on, creating heat and desire, teasing each other, and having fun."
So if you're in a sexual rut, try one of these tools to reinvigorate your relationship. Make the first move, have sex in the afternoon, or maybe even shoot your guy a sext while he's at work.
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