How can I stop myself from missing and loving my ex?

Updated: May 20, 2021


5th September 2020

If someone had told me that “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all” when I was going through the heartache of trying to emotionally detach from someone that I loved, I think I would have felt like slapping them. I didn’t want to love her! It hurt too much!

Years later, I do actually get it! You see, what I came to find, is that love is what’s inside of you - it never really is about the other person. Detaching from someone that you gave your heart to, is a process. It truly is a journey of self discovery, but if you are prepared to do the work, it can lead you to a path of finding emotional freedom and inner wisdom. One of the things you have to do is to take control of your mind and it’s thought patterns which keep you in an obsessive loop. We know that our suffering is in our thoughts- so you have to retrain you subconscious mind- and give it a new pattern of thoughts.

Let me share with you some of my “processing”. After I had some distance from the relationship, but was still struggling to emotionally let go, I asked myself: What would she actually add to my life that I don’t have, that I needed from her specifically? When I really thought about it - the answer was - only drama, chaos and uncertainty. There was nothing I really needed from her. In fact, I didn’t even like the man she was becoming - even though I thought I loved her! (that’s how powerful the bonding chemicals are.) I realised that what I was really holding on to were the emotions of grief- more than the actual person. I was holding on to the suffering! The sadness, the longing, the missing of that person in my life, the nostalgia of the memories and even the hurt of the betrayal. Now, I think it is perfectly natural to feel these emotions- I mean, if someone you loved died, you would feel the same- but in my case, she had CHOSEN to leave me- so those emotions were not really serving me. I was choosing to suffer! Somewhere in my mind, I was thinking, surely she must feel it too. I mean, I was no longer in his life either. I had been by his side for 8 frigging years- surely it meant something! By coming to understand that she was not encumbered by nostalgia, or haunted by memories of the past, actually started to help me. Things, people and places just did not mean that much to her, and our history was not that important to her. I had to realise that it did not matter how attractive, intelligent, loving and caring I was (and I was all that) she just didn't want me.

Yes that is sad, and I could be bitter about it, but no amount of my “suffering” was going to make a difference in her life. By the time I got to this point in my processing, I was pretty much over it. I knew I did not need to hold on to her, or the emotions. The cognitive dissonance was starting to dissolve. So the only thing left to do was to take control of my life -to work on myself. We can’t control anyone else, so control what you can. That’s when you decide to build the best damn life you can, for you! You get to the point where you take your power back. You realise that YOU are in fact the awesome person with the qualities you attributed to her. When someone suggested that I write down what it is that I actually love about her, I actually stopped short - because I realised that what I loved, were the very qualities she had proven herself not to have (loyalty, personal integrity, honour, faithfulness, hope, truth, forgiveness) and actually those qualities were me! I loved the illusion of what I wanted her to be.

So my advice is this - heal your emotions and you may get a new insight into the relationship. You may find you will always care about that person you once shared your life with, but you will be ok with it, it will no longer hurt you.

its been years since she walked out my life and my world fell apart. I still lived a life full of love, joy and happiness-because that’s who I am. I am the source of that, and I can give that to others!

….Our Nuts and Bolts

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